Feeling Raw & Defeated

A blurb on, "getting there" emotionally and spiritually.

de·feat (d-ft')

tr.v. de·feat·ed, de·feat·ing, de·feats

adjective

1. having been beaten in a battle or other contest: "the defeated army."

2. demoralized and overcome by adversity.

adversity [ədˈvɜːsɪtɪ]

n pl -ties

1. distress; affliction; hardship

2. an unfortunate event or incident

de·mor·al·ize (d-môr-lz, -mr-)

tr.v. de·mor·al·ized, de·mor·al·iz·ing, de·mor·al·iz·es

1. To undermine the confidence or morale of; dishearten:

2. To put into disorder; confuse.

3. To debase the morals of; corrupt.

angry [ˈæŋgrɪ]

adj -grier, -griest

1. feeling or expressing annoyance, animosity, or resentment; enraged

Have you ever felt defeated?

This morning, I feel defeated. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Perhaps this realization is what makes me the most resistant to accepting the feeling, to writing about it, to sharing it.

You see, I have no control over this blog. I have no control over who reads it, what they think of it, or how they will respond. What I do have control over is most of me. I control what I say. I know that I am seeking the Spirit wholeheartedly and that what I say will be of Him.

I feel strong, when I help others see something, feel something, or become someone they never could see, feel, or become. I see myself as a helper to the master gardener of whom prunes me. Right now, I am being pruned. I do not like the way this pruning feels. It makes me frustrated, angry, irritated, "annoyed." I am sharing this to exemplify that God wants us to be honest and real with, ourselves and Him; about how we feel.

On Monday, I was reading about the battle between our ideal selves vs. our real selves in the book, Change That Heals by Dr. Henry Cloud. As I read this chapter, I felt the Spirit of the Living God telling me that what I read might not be relevant to how I felt in that moment, but it would prepare me for the future. That future is now, today, this morning.

My ideal self says, you are smart, you are going to get an A, you are pretty, everyone thinks you are cute, everyone wants to be your friend, everyone wants you on their team.

My real self says, you are smart compared to the average (whatever that is), you look pretty when you put the time into beautifying, some have said you are cute, you don't have THAT many friends, no body wants you on their team.

This morning I took a lab exam. There is only one for the whole semester. During class, I take pride in my pipetting skills (google it). Today, part of the practical of the test, was to pipet. Today, on the test, I failed to pipet within the acceptable range. There were only 2 chances. Of course on the 3rd time I always got the value they were looking for. My grade will define my pipetting skills as 5/10. That means I failed the pipetting test when I know that I excel at pipetting in class.

The graduate assistant looked at me and said, "you were probably just nervous."

My thought: "Thanks, that helps me feel a lot better!"

All I have ever known when I come to a test is, test anxiety. It is so much a part of my natural response on test day, that I don't even know how anxious I am(was) until I get the score of my test back. In my schooling career, I manage to do very well considering my test anxiety levels.

Today, my coping mechanisms failed to react. I left that test feeling angry, overwhelmed, defeated, annoyed, all of the above. Not only did I feel angry with myself, but also with God. How could He let me get so nervous? Why is getting an A or B such a struggle for me, yet comes so naturally to others? I spend my nights studying and others spend their nights,...not studying and they seem to always perform better. All I want, is to be good at something academically. I know I am good at making jokes, making people laugh, jumping off cliffs into water, and out of planes...I've got the adventuring stuff down. What about tests, what about_____?

My ideal self says, you will get into that program, get the career you have been dreaming of, and live happily ever after.

My real self says, your pipetting skills and test anxiety will keep you from raising your GPA, getting into the DPD program, and ultimately becoming a nurse.

Where does this all fit into God's plan for my life?

As I made my way to the library after the test, I realized that the look on my face was not a happy one. I made eye contact with people and my face didn't change. I was in a zombie mode. Usually, I smile at everyone. I faced the battle lines of good vs. evil because the devil had me consumed, feeding me lies, and I was believing them.

When I sat down at my cubicle, I stared at the green top of the desk. I remembered how I prayed that God would soften me and allow me to cry more. He answered that prayer, at a time I didn't want it answered. Tears streamed down my face, I thought "seriously?" "Don't you care God?" He said, "Yeah, remember the cross?" "Remember Jeremiah 29:11, one of your favorite verses?" "For I know the plans I have for you, Sarah, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I feel resistant to God's plans because my plans seem like they will offer me so much more prosperity, hope, and future. I know in my head that His plans for me are more beautiful than I could fathom. Believing this in my heart after an embarrassing pipetting experience, something I thought I was good at, lends a different perspective.

Now, I have to be strong, believe God for more, take courage, flee from the devil, and go listen to the instructor for an hour and a half, whom I would rather blame.

Being a Christian is NOT easy.

Looking Forward,

Sarah